Court in Session
by Greenx91
Summary: The ultimate parody of Ace Attorney that will have ever been accomplished! Follow Phoenix and Co. as they all try to survive the judicial system run by beards and nonsense. People will be killed, will cry, and most likely be objected by guys who can't keep their voice down. This parody will go one part of a case per chapter. Current Status: Case 3 part 2
1. PW1 C1 P1of1

Game- Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

Episode 1:The Fourth First Turnabout

* * *

"Dear Diary," Phoenix wrote. "Today is my first day working at Capcom. According to my agent, I play as an attorney who solves mystery cases or something. I don't get it either. I guess this game is based off of that Perry Mason guy, but who cares. I've got a job! For now at least. But still, a game about a lawyer? Seriously? What a bad premise we have here. I'm not the only who thinks that, though. Everyone here thinks that this game will bomb. Oh well. All and all, I'm a lucky girl who wants to live life to its fullest. Less than three!" Phoenix closed his diary, and hid it in his pocket.

Phoenix was standing in the well-known Defendant Lobby. He was nervous of his debut and needed someone to talk to. "C-cheif? Are you sure I-I'm ready for this? I'm kinda nervous."

The 'chief' Phoenix was referring to was Mia Fey, a sweet and kind person who helped him be where he is today. She slapped him. "Does it look like I give a damn about how nervous you are? What do you want me to do? Hug you, ya wimp?"

"A hug would help," Phoenix held his arms out to prepare for the possible hug.

Mia stared vacantly at the ridiculousness that was her new employee.

It was time for court and the two attorneys entered the courtroom.

The judge banged his gavel to call attention to the trial's start. "Court is now in session!" The elderly man looked to his right and saw an unfamiliar man. "Oh, I see we have a new lawyer! I think I'll give a quiz! Mr. Lawyer man. What is your-" The judge was halted by a sudden rush of feeling in his cheek.

"Get on with trial, old man!" Mia returned to her first location and stood next to Phoenix.

"But I like giving out my quizzes! It helps me learn a little bit about the new kid on the block."

"Are you insinuating that you ask questions to attain information about a minor that resides down the street of which you live in, your honor?" Phoenix said. "If you are, I say that's case closed because I believe the real murderer is YOU!" Phoenix points his unfortunately swelling index finger towards the judge.

"No! That's not true! Pedophilia does not a murderer make!" The judge had a violent breakdown which involved him taking a baby out of his beard.

"Your honor, stop!" cried the fragile Winston Payne, a man that looks your momma look like a real man. "You're not a murderer! You're not even a pedophile!"

"Oh, right. I declare myself

**NOT GUILTY**

of murderedness and pedophilia. Hurraa-" The judge was slapped again.

"Prosecutor Payne, bring in the defendant," demanded Mia.

Larry walked in with as much swag he could carry and stood proud and tall.

Winston began his interrogation. "So, Larry Butz... did you do it?"

"No." He immediately lost all the swag.

"You're lying damnit!" Payne punched his stand and broke it. "I'm going to prove it! I have a witness! Bring in Mr. Frank Sawhit!"

A creepy looking man with a gross mole on his forehead enters. "Herro, eboriibodii! Ai isu so hapi dato no wan hasu notesude data ai emu nata ririi ei riiu US shitezenu!"

"What the heck did that Mexican just say?" The judge asked.

Payne answered, "He said 'Hello everybody. I is so happy that... um, I am playing my role as a legal and responsible US citizen by providing testimony'."

"Well, isn't that nice. We could use some more patriotism here. Proceed."

**Testimony**

Statement-1:Ai wasa warukingu suru te haru.

Statement-2:Den, ai sa data man ata wan o kuraku!

Judge:Hm, I'm almost positive that the defendant is the killer.

_What a great judge we have today. I'm glad at least one person here is willing to hear all the facts before judging, _thought Phoenix. "So... what now?" Phoenix asked Mia, before she slapped him for ignorance.

"What do you mean 'what now'? Didn't you get a degree in law?"

"Actually, I just got from an online school. It was ch-" *slap*

Mia sighed. "It's time for the cross-examination. Basically, you will have to question the witness. My advice is to find everything wrong with a person's testimony and to make a big deal out of it."

"What if there's nothing wrong with it?"

"Then you lie like a dog!"

**Cross-examination**

Statement-1:Ai wasa warukingu suru te haru.

"**Hold it-**You talk funny. What's your nationality?"

"Iwata *cough* do you mean? I am Americano."

This surprised Phoenix. "Really? I could have sworn you were Asian, like a Japanese or something."

"Nani! *cough* I mean 'What'! The only Japanese on me is the few overused words like 'kawaii' or 'daisuki' and some honorifics like 'chan', 'kun', and 'san'. Why would you ever think that I am Japanese... desuka?"

"My mistake."

Statement-2:Den, ai sa data woman dedo ata wan o kuraku!

"**Hold it-**Where's...the evidence? I'm supposed to object here!" Phoenix gazed at Payne.

"Oh right," The prosecutor pulled out a K-mart bag and pulled out various things.

"That's good," Phoenix cleared his throat and yelled, "**OBJECTION! **According to this autopsy, the victim died at four, not at one!"

"Gomenasai!"

The judge slammed his gavel and asked the witness why there is a three hour gap.

**Testimony**

Statement-1:Yu shi...

Statement-2:Ai herudo it on a kuraku.

"You may proceed, Mr..." The judge stared at Phoenix, looking for a response.

_Why is he- oh wait. That's right, he doesn't know my name yet since Mia interrupted him. _Phoenix thought. "It's Ph- *slap* ow!"

"Quit wasting time and cross-examine him!" Mia yelled.

**Cross-examination**

Statement-1:Yu shi...

"**Hold it-**what was that elipsis for? Could you be thinking of a lie?"

"..."

"I thought so."

Statement-2:Ai herudo it on a kuraku.

"**OBJECTION! **There was no clock in the victim room!"

The judge interposed and asked "Who is the victim anyway?"

Phoenix slammed his desk. "It doesn't matter. We'll never reference her again. Here in court, bodies are just excuse plots to have a trial, like getting a princess kidnapped or something. In any case, what clock, Mr. Sawhit?"

"Za sutachu!"

"Is that so? How did you know the statue was a clock because last time I checked, STATUES ARE NOT CLOCKS!"

"In Japan, dei aru."

"It doesn't matter," Mia said. "I've found that the statue announces the time if you move its head. This means that someone turned it and we, the defense, accuse that Mr. Sawhit is the true killer!"

"Mia! How could you accuse him!" Phoenix was feeling nauseous from the guilt.

"Trust me, Wry. This is the only way the defense can win in this cruel world." Phoenix didn't believe her, but stayed silent, despite receiving a slap for no reason.

"Data isu *cough* I mean, that is not true! Tell them, Payne-san!"

"Sorry, can't. I'm eating pancakes."

"Fine. I'll defend myself. If I killed, er, whoever that was killed, at four, then why is the clock three hours late?"

"Damn, I don't have any- *slap* -would you stop doing that!"

"Just lie, Wry. Show the passport," advised Mia.

Phoenix nodded and threw his hand up in the air with the document in hand. "The passport is my explanation (apparently)!"

The judge stared vacantly. "How?"

"..." Phoenix got angry and just punched the statue for no reason.

"Ow! What the hell were you thinking, bub? Why'd you punch me?" said the statue.

"I dunno. I just got angry... did you just talk?"

"Sure, why not."

"Oh, I see." Phoenix thought nothing of this, but he got a crazy idea. "Your honor! The defense claims that this statue is the true killer!"

The judge nodded. "Is that so. Well, statue? Did you kill the victim?"

"Yes."

"Well, in that case, I declare that all hairy butts are

**NOT GUILTY**

of murder. You may all go."

Payne finished his late breakfast and asked the judge, "What will we do with the statue and the accomplice?"

"Accomplice?" Sawhit began shaking with fear.

"Yes, accomplice," The judge said. "Clearly, the defense knows what transpired that day. They didn't accuse you of murder for no reason, you know. Throw them both to jail immediately. Court Dismissed!"

Phoenix walked to the lobby very slowly. He was silent in both mouth and mind.

His friend Larry walked up to him. "Thanks, Nick. I owe you one."

Mia came in the scene with a wide smile. "Great win. Good job Wry."

Mia captured Larry and his lower friend's attention. "Hey, thanks for what you did. Here's a gift," Larry pulled out a statue. "Don't worry about this killing you. This one isn't mysteriously possessed. I think."

"Thanks for the gift," Mia said with great disinterest.

"No problem, Nick's friend!"

"Prick? That's a good nickname. I like it." Mia turned to Phoenix. "So, how do you feel winning you first trial?"

A rush of anger entered Phoenix, but he kept it inside. Instead, he only said, "Terrible."

"Whatever," Mia bluntly said. "Maybe later you can tell me how you met what-his-face."

She left and Phoenix was left alone. _To save someone, I ha__d__ to put the blame on someone else? Did I make the right choice becoming a lawyer? Doesn't matter right now. I have to do something about Mia right now. _Phoenix finished his inner monologue and also left. Right after he was slapped again.

* * *

End of case Author's Note:

The fourth and final time I'm doing this. I will explain my reasoning later as time passes. Read the original Court in 500 words parody if you'd like. Review every once in a while too, in the case I forget. Well, that's all I have to say right now. See you at the end of the next case.


	2. PW1 C2 P1of4

Game- Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

Episode 2: Turnabout Sisters (Or Sister. One dies, y'know.)

* * *

Mia was in her office when she slapped a phone number on her phone to make a call and waited impatiently for her sister to answer. While it rang, she thought about new ways to slap people (Phoenix especially). The classic was so overused.

"Let's see...the backhand has become a bit hackneyed, so I'll have to change my strategy. A classic forehand would be nice...or maybe the double forehand. The ninja slap?"

The phone clicked, finally been answered. She spoke into the phone.

"Maya, I need you to get this statue I have. It has evidence that is so powerful, this man will literally _kill _the person who has it, in order to get it."

"Won't that put me in mortal danger, sis?" A shrill voice said on the other end.

"Yes, but if you survive, I'll buy you a burger."

The voice piqued, changing tone and said, "Really!"

"Maybe," Mia quickly said before hanging up.

Later that day, at night, an intruder intruded into the intro and went in Mia's office. "Ah hah! I foun-didily-ound you! Now give me the papers!"

Mia crossed her arms and said, "Make me."

The intruder nodded and grabbed a statue. He raised it up in the air and swung it down onto her head, knocking her down. The man chortled. He grabbed the papers from the statue and headed for the door. He stopped when he heard an unsuspected person.

From the edge of the wall, Mia shouted, "Is that the best you got? My plant Charley could hit me harder."

"What the-!" The man grabbed the statue and hit her again, but to no avail.

"Yoo dink dat doo anthing? Foget Chaley, a bagel cood do moe damage," a dazed Mia said.

"Why won't you die!" For the next ten minutes, the man hit her repeatedly on the head.

Later that night, Phoenix Wright entered the office.

_(__I wonder why no one mentioned that I like pie in the trial, last month?__) _pondered the lawyer.

He then noticed a smell. "Is that smell... blood?" Phoenix asked. "...well? Is anyone going to tell me? I've never smelled blood before."

He walked toward Mia's area and saw the mildly violent scene. "Mia!" Phoenix went down to the ground to Mia. "Mia! There's a splotch of blood on your head. Did you bump you head onto something?" Phoenix waited for a response (or a slap at least), but received silence. His eyes grew and said "Snake? I mean chief. Chief? CHIIEEFF!"

A girl in purple walks in, but Phoenix kicks her out. "I'm sorry, but I'm about to initiate an illicit search for evidence.

Suddenly, a scream is heard, coming from the direction of the hotel. Phoenix ignores it and continues his search for evidence. He stops once he hears the police sirens.

A hefty man, bulky as a filled bag of trash, barges in and starts spouting a lot of nonsense. He finds a note near Mia. He read the note aloud and turned to the girl. "Hey, pal. Is this your name on the note?"

The girl quietly said, "Yes."

"Wahahaha! Another mystery solved!" the detective bellowed out. He chained the girl up and took her to a bad place. The DMV.

Phoenix tapped his foot rapidly as he waited to receive permission to talk with the girl.

_(__Out of all the days they had in the year, they chose today to do their annual clean-up of the detention center. Why the DMV of all places?__)_

Phoenix stared intently on the woman at the desk who had aged poorly. He tried to hold in his irritation, but failed. "Why do I have to wait in line? I'm the only one here!"

"Nobody gets a satisfying visit to the DMV. That's our policy," the sadist said.

After forty minutes of waiting, Phoenix finally comes face to face with the girl. They introduced each other. The girl's name was Maya. She believed she had nothing better to do so she began giving some backstory. She fished and made a request. "Now that I've told you all off this, could you get me a lawyer to defend me?"

"But I'm a lawyer!"

"Yeah, but sis said you're kind of a coward and that I should get a real lawyer, like Mr. Grossberg (or Mr. Armando), if I ever needed one. She also told me that peanuts are legumes!"

"They are not."

So Phoenix left to ask Grossberg to defend...no, wait. He's going back to the office.

He entered and went to the crime scene, where the detective was. "What do you're doing here, pal? Who are you?"

"I'm Phoenix Wright. I was the guy standing here yesterday, remember?"

"No," The detective bluntly said. "I'm Detective Dick Gumshoe, but don't think you can call me by my first name. People die when they do."

Conveniently enough, his superior hollers at him, saying, "Hey, dick! Get over here!"

The lawyer was puzzled and told the detective, "Hey, how do you explain that? He's not dead and he said your name."

"No he didn't," the detective said glumly.

"Oh," Phoenix felt sorry for Gumshoe, but the detective perked up.

"Since you're such a great guy, here's a phone I found here. Keep it...friend," the detective left, happy because he made a new friend. So happy, he forgot the autopsy report and sticky note with info of a witness. Guess what Phoenix stole.

Phoenix then went to meet Mr. Grossberg and...no, not yet. He went to the hotel instead. Wow, does this guy have priorities or what?

Phoenix headed to the Gatewater Hotel that was next to the office to see the witness. He arrived to her door and knocked. A woman, whose outfit proves female stereotype with pink and hearts, opened the door. "Oh, you're a real cutie. My name is April May! What's yours?"

"My name is Phoenix Wright: Ace attorney."

The girl slammed the door shut.

Feeling rejected, Phoenix decided it was time to finally do something someone had politely ask him to do.

He arrived at the Grossberg Offices and waited for the man. The floor started shaking, and Phoenix screamed, believing it was an earthquake. The true cause of the violent trembling was a big man, walking in (although reports later revealed all tectonic plates in the world were disturbed, with the exception of the Pacific Plate).

Phoenix looked at the man, examining his entire self (which took a while) and finally said, "You're fat."

"Yes I am."

Phoenix stared some more. He quickly asked him about defending Maya, but left in disgust before Grossberg could even refuse.

Phoenix returned to Maya. The girl asked him about the man. "You know, I don't think you should ask that guy to be your lawyer. With all the poor decisions concerning his diet that he's made, his legal choices can't be that great either. Seriously, he's so big. Put him on his side and he could get to court in two stomach rolls."

Maya raised and an eyebrow and said, "What really happened?"

Phoenix stayed silent.

"Don't tell me he refused."

"Okay, I won't."

A tear leaked out of Maya's eye. "I've been abandoned then."

Things got awkward so Phoenix asked her about family.

"My dad's dead. My mom left. My sister was killed. I saw her dead body and now I'm in jail."

_(__Smooth, __Wright.)_

Phoenix was about to leave, so that he wouldn't make any more girls cry, but stopped when the incarcerated muttered something.

"Redd White..."

"Is there something about Americanized Native Americans that you want to talk about?" Phoenix inquired.

"No. Redd White. He's my mother's enemy."

"Two-thirds of America's national colors is your enemy?"

"No, you idiot. A man named Redd White."

"Oh."

Looking at her melancholy face, Phoenix wondered if he should indeed do something. He went for it and said, "That's it. I've decided that I'm going to be your lawyer, whether you like it or not!"

"Why?"

"Because I need some money! It's been a month and I've only had one case. So, how much money do you have?"

"I think I have twelve dollars back home, but-"

"That'll do," Phoenix ran off, in search of evidence and what not.

**But in another reality...**

Looking at her melancholy face, Phoenix wondered if he should indeed do something.

"Nah!"

He went against it and left.

Later that day he bought some groceries, and I see he bought some delicious bananas!

The next day, he read the newspaper and saw the front page story of the demon prosecutor's easy win. He stared at it _long and hard _and thought to himself, (_Who reads the newspaper in 2016?__)_

**Back to reality,**

The blue blur returned to the hotel for no raisins and trip was not in vain this time.

"Ello. I am a French waiter here," said the 'French' waiter who says 'ello instead of 'hello'.

"You don't sound very French."

"What if I said 'Stupid Americenz'?"

"No. Now get out."

"I'll leave, but you'll see me again. My clones own this place and-"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," He shooed him away and looked around.

He saw a screwdriver sticking out of a drawer and looked inside of it to find something of very high interest. "Ahah! Panties! I know what I'm gonna do tonight! Wait a minute, what's this?" He pulled out a wiretap. "A piece of evidence? With so little evidence and progress, I better stop investigating now. Don't want to overwork myself. I might sweat."

Later that night, Phoenix held the panties in one hand high up in the air. His unoccupied right hand reached down near his pants. He left-clicked on a button on the computer. "-and sold!" Phoenix sold the pair of panties for 3000 yen.

"Thank you creepy Japanese man."


	3. PW1 C2 P2of4

Game- Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

Episode 2: Turnabout Sisters, Part 2: The laws of thermodynamics are always present with corndogs

* * *

The gavel slammed down and a voice bellowed out, "Court is now in session."

Phoenix looked around in disbelief of the rapid change in scenery. "Hey, is this the courthouse?"

A man in a red and flamboyant suit shrugged with his hands up and shook his heads. "It seems like I've already won this."

"Who are you? Where's Winston Payne?"

"The prosecutor in your last case? He's been declared missing. The police are looking for him, but have zero clues to his whereabouts or even his appearance. since everyone around him cared so little for him."

"So, who are you?" Phoenix repeated.

"My name is Miles Edgeworth, and if you had read the script, you would know that."

"I miss Winston Payne," Phoenix mumbled. "He was my only friend."

The judge interposed and said, "While we're on the subject of what an attorney's name is, I'd like to ask for your name, defense-"

"Your honor," Phoenix said. "I think this is the part where you ask the prosecutor for their opening statement."

"How right you are. The opening statement, Mr. Edgeworth."

"Of course, your honor. The defendant is the killer. We have a piece of evidence of questionable authenticity as proof. We have no doubts that she did it because if we did, well, then I wouldn't be a very good prosecutor then, would I? Now here is my personal slave."

The green-coated man that Phoenix met earlier entered.

"Detective Gumshoe?"

"Hey, pal! Nice meeting you again. Oh, Mr. Edgeworth! Have you met my new friend?"

"Yes. Now, testify about the case. I want to destroy what little confidence this rookie has."

"You two go along so well!"

**Testimony**

Statement-1:The victim, Mia Fey is dead.

Statement-2:I immediately arrested Maya Fey because her name was on a piece of paper, written by the victim.

"Defense attorney!" The judge yelled, "Hurry with the cross-examination! My corn dog is getting cold!"

**Cross-examination**

Statement-1:The victim, Mia Fey, is dead.

"**Hold it-**I question the validity of this do you know she's dead?" Phoenix inquired.

"The forensics team checked. She was not asleep. In case she was alive, however, they kicked a couple of time and insulted her mama. The only reaction they got was a slap to the face, but that was only because one of the men accidentally squeezed her elbow."

Statement-2:I immediately arrested Maya Fey because her name was on a piece of paper, written by the victim.

"**OBJECTION!-**There's no way that can be right! The autopsy you gave says that she died _immediately_, and therefore, could not write!"

"**OBJECTION!**" yelled Edgeworth. "I've received an autopsy 2.0 which clearly states that the victim was alive for about ten minutes."

"Hey, that's not fair! Why didn't I get an autopsy 2.0?"

"It doesn't matter. I think I'll skip on ahead to the witness of the crime."

The downfall of the female sex walks into the stand. "Hello everybody! Does anyone want me to jiggle my breast?"

The judge slowly raised his hand.

"No," Edgeworth said.

The judge slowly lowered his hand.

**Testimony**

Statement-1:It was her!

"As you can plainly see," Edgeworth said, "the testimony is _perfect_. "

**Cross-examination**

Statement-1:It was her!

"**Hold it-**How do you know?"

"I saw her be a woman and stuff. I also saw you kick her out so she could make you a sandwich."

"Hey, she made that sandwich because she wanted to! I all I said was 'Stay in the kitchen, woman!'"

A look of sadness went on Maya's face. "I made that sandwich for me...it reminds me of burgers."

"Anyway," Phoenix said, "I think you're lying! If you were a true stereotype, you'd notice her cloth right away and criticize her for her hippie cloth!"

Maya became distraught. "Hippie cloth?"

"It doesn't matter! I saw her hit the woman with that statue-clock-thing from hell."

_(I knew it!) _Phoenix thought to himself,_ (It is possessed! That's it, the next time I see it, I'm giving it away to an orphanage.) _Phoenix then realized something. "How the heck did you know it was a clock? It looks nothing like it."

"I heard it go off and chant the demons of the underworld to come at a certain time."

"Phoenix slammed the desk and ferociously said, "Impossible! The clock is completely empty of batteries! Just listen to this recorded conversation I found on the phone."

Phoenix played the recording and made Edgeworth pout. "Why didn't I get the phone?"

"Ask your personal slave."

Gumshoe's ears perked at the mention of his name. "What?"

"Is that so?" Edgeworth closed his eyes and thought about a proper punishment. "Detective! I'm lowering your salary! From now on, you'll only have enough money to eat at Taco Bell."

"But Taco Bell gives me gas!" Gumshoe looked at his traitor, asking him "How could you?"

Phoenix discarded the decadence of the friendship and returned his focus onto the thing with the breast. "In any case, there's no way you should know this satanic statue is a clock, yet you do."

The judge shook his head in disapproval. "Explain yourself, witness."

April May went into a rage and growled, "Who the hell cares about a stupid clock?"

"I do!" Phoenix said. "It was my only friend!"

"Hey!" Gumshoe shouted.

"**OBJECTION!**" Edgeworth objected. "Listen here! I don't know if you've heard, but last time I checked STATUES ARE NOT CLOCKS!"

"Actually, I proved that they can indeed be clocks."

"Curses! Foiled again!"

The judge spent enough time waiting. His corn dog was starting to harden and he wanted this to end. "In any case, can you tell us how the witness gained knowledge of the statue's time feature?"

"You bet I can! It's because of this!" Phoenix pulled out what he thought was the wiretap. It was actually panties, blue and with pink hearts on them.

The court went silent until the judge spoke. "Although I'm willing to accept these panties as evidence, I can't help but feel that this doesn't help your case at all."

"Indeed." Edgeworth grinned believing that Phoenix's blunder had ensured his victory.

Phoenix stared at the panties in terror. (_Damn! Not only did I just lose the case, but now I think I'm turning into a kleptomaniac. This is like the fifth thing I've stolen, right?)_

Phoenix's mind then went all over the place trying to think of how he could fix this. He went on a limb and went with the lamest explanation he could think of. "Oh, but these panties do indeed help me. You see, these panties are magic!"

"I bet they are," The judge lewdly said.

Phoenix ignored the comment and went on. "Look what happens when I reach into the undergarment and pull out something spectacular!"

Edgeworth slammed his desk with his hand. "Your honor, this defense attorney is making a mockery out of the court! I request that you hold him in contempt-"

"Now, now, Mr. Edgeworth. We'll give him a chance. You better be going somewhere with this, Mister-"

"Thank you, your honor," Phoenix reached into the panties. (_Now all I have to do is magically grab my shoe and make it look...wait, what is this?) _Phoenix was feeling this foreign object that felt long and smooth. He pulled out the item to reveal a rake.

"Wow! The panties really are magical!" The judge was hopping in his chair, smiling as bright as his head.

The rake shook Edgeworth out of his demure and he stared intently at the rake. "What the-! How is that even possible!"

Phoenix didn't know what had happened, but went with it. "As you can see, these panties can easily pull items from nowhere. The witness could have pulled the statue out and returned it later."

"What does this prove?" asked the judge.

"That the witness is lying! She may not have even witness the murder!"

The court murmured about the new turn of events and the state of the judge's corn dog.

"That's where you're wrong," April said. "I have a bellboy that saw me in my room."

Phoenix demanded to see him, which Edgeworth responded with a dare. "If you really want to cross-examination the bellboy, then you'll have to accept a dare of mine. If nothing new has been revealed with the cross-examination, you must accept an instant 'Guilty' verdict. Agree?"

"I would, but isn't what you're doing sort of illegal?"

"All I heard was 'I would'." Edgeworth clapped his hand and April went away and a bellboy walked to the stand.

"Hey, aren't you that guy I met in the hotel?"

"No. The bellboy you saw is the original. I am bellboy #238."

"So," Edgeworth said, "Are you the one who met the witness, Ms. April May?"

"No, sir. That was bellboy #119, but do not worry. Each of us clones share our memories and information together in a network so I am fully capable of testifying."

The judge had run out of patience and said, "How about you don't testify and say you did, okay?"

"Okay, sir. In the scenario that I would have been cross-examined, I would've easily admitted that there were two guests."

Edgeworth grew angry and damned the bellboy's hypothetical self.

The judge nodded with approval. "Good. Arrest the female witness for possession of items belonging to the black arts. Now everyone get out. I have to reheat this corn dog."

Phoenix and Maya got into the lobby where Maya revealed some startling news. "I think I'm an Edgeworth fangirl. Do you think he'll go out with me?"

"No."

"Waa!"

* * *

Sexism does not a funny make.


	4. PW1 C2 P3of4

The pink haired woman sat alone in a dark room built inside an abandoned DMV building. Currently, she was flipping through a calender.

"So it's true. I really was named after one-sixth of a calender."

She sighed and wiped away a pool of tears.

There was no hope, and why would there be? Perhaps her name meant something more. It is said that the number 4 is a bad number in Japan, and her first name is eponymous to the fourth month of the year, April. April. April's first day involved fools and stupid pranks. March. March also had it's middle day, famous for being the death date of Julius Caesar. Perhaps this was fate. Perhaps she was born with a name served as an omen to her to warn her of foolish decisions. She didn't listen to them. Oh why, oh why didn't she listen? Even if someone were to whip her for this foolishness, she doubted it would have stopped her from a life of crime.

She stopped crying.

"Oh, what's the use? There's no hope for me. No one wants trash...or even want to see trash."

She sat there for a long time, talking to herself, before a guard came and opened the door to tell to shut up.

Another guard came and said, "You have a visitor."

Her heart skipped a beat.

Someone came to visit her? How could that be? She was certain would ever want to come see the disappointment she has become to all. Her mother kicked her out when she announced she didn't like calenders, her father left the family in search of a successful life without them at the circus, and her brother was recently killed in the war against cheese. Who would come see garbage like her?

"Slime!" she yelled at the lawyer. "Nothing but the brown slime that comes out people's lower intestines!"

"Hey! I may be a lawyer, but I've got feelings too!"

"Boo hoo! Go take a hike!"

"How'd you know that's what I was going to do next?"

"Would you just leave me alone!" April May shouted.

Vig nodded. "Right after you give me some dirt on the guy you were staying with at the hotel the night of the murder."

"Hah! You really think I'd tell you?"

Phoenix flashed his attorney badge.

"Tempting, but still no."

"Damn!"

* * *

Angry that his badge was given no respect at all, Phoenix wandered around world for an hour before slamming into the wall of the Watergate Hotel.

"Ow!"

Phoenix entered the hotel and ignored an inverted picture of Richard Nixon flashing in his head to ready himself for another investigation.

"Ello!" A bellboy with replicated DNA said, "Welcome, sir! Sorry for any delay, but you will not be able to sleep here tonight. After you humiliated a fellow clone of ours in court, bellboy #119 killed himself by holding his breath. We'll be done cleaning the guest room in a minute. We've also just finished our boudin blanc made from fresh meat."

"Hah! No thanks. I don't have two hours to waste on lunch, Frenchie! Now where can I find the man you said you saw the day of the crime?"

The bellboy shrugged. "I can't remember."

"What? You're lying! Your clones have an internal brain network to communicate with each other. You said so in court!"

"Tell you what," the bellboy, "You give me a photo of the man, and I'll tell you."

Phoenix was so confused. "How? How, how, how, how? I don't know who this man is. How am I going to show you a picture of him?"

The bellboy shrugged.

* * *

And so, Phoenix glorious trial and error adventure began.

"I guess I should start investigating the Grossberg building."

How does that even make sense?

Phoenix trespassed into Mr Grossberg's unlocked room and noticed two things.

"Woah! The painting on the wall is gone. Perhaps, it is life that is immortal and art that is short-lived! Oh look, and some pictures. Hm, DL-6? Never heard of it. A picture of a beautiful lady and another woman who looks somewhat like Maya. I suppose it wouldn't hurt if I took this one."

* * *

"Hey, bellboy! I got a whole picture for you. I'm hoping you seeing a random person will jog your memory somehow."

"That's him!" The bellboy swiped the photograph out Phoenix's hands and kissed it. "This is the man who slept here!"

"It was a man? Ew. Better destroy those copies I made then."

"Actually, could you give the clones a copy each?"

"Five bucks."

* * *

"Alright Pink-hair! This is the end of the line! I've got a picture of your boss. Now tell me everything you know about him!"

April May laughed. "That's it? That's all you've done these last two hours? If I didn't want to talk to you before, why would I talk to you now? A picture of my boss? Really? Is that supposed to threaten me?"

"No," Phoenix replied without hesitation, "it was supposed to weaken you."

"Huh?"

"Behold! My attorney's badge!"

"Gah!"

Weakened from exposure of a man she feared, Ms May was not up to the task of holding herself against the radiating justice symbol gleaming from his badge. Overwrought from the beauty of it, she had no choice but to talk.

"His name...his name is Redd White, CEO of Bluecorp."

"Onward to adventure!"

* * *

After a thrilling twenty minute ride on the bus, Phoenix arrived at Bluecorp.

"Hello, are you Redd White?"

The man in a pink suit and purple head smiled. "Why yes! Yes I superciliously am!"

"That's good to know. Hey! Isn't that painting Mr Grossberg's?"

"Nope! You have just misconstrued some paraphernalia. Now skedaddle!"

* * *

After he was thrown out the window, Phoenix marched down the sidewalk, making deductions.

"If I am a man, and all men must die, that means I must die! Auugh!"

He then went to Grossberg Offices.

* * *

"Alright Fatty! I've figured it all out between you and that man-woman!"

Grossberg and his twenty chins were quivering in fear in the corner. "Whatever do you mean!"

"The painting you gave him, the photo of her you keep, and the lust. I know that you and Redd White are really-!"

"Okay, okay!" Grossberg cried, "I confess! He and I are lovers!"

"Woah, really? I was just going to say the two of you are really nice friends," Phoenix said. "I Wish I had a friend."

"I'll be your friend."

"Uh, no thanks."

"In any case, you have it all wrong about the painting. I didn't give it to him, he took it from me. You see, he's actually been blackmailing me."

"Blackmailing your homosexuality?"

"No, people have been fine with that for over a decade now. I mean he's blackmailing me for a secret I've held for a long time. I swore to myself I would never let it out and that's that. You'll never hear my dark secret that is costing both my career and love life."

"Tell me," Phoenix demanded.

"Alright. I'll tell you. It was 15 years ago after the DL-6 incident-"

"Never heard of it."

Grossberg blinked. "Anyway, after the case, the police hired Misty Fey-"

"Fey!" Phoenix shouted. "Never heard of that name-"

"That's the surname of both your mentor and client, you bloke!"

"Oh. Continue."

"Resuming my confession, the police hired Misty Fey, a spirit medium, to investigate the DL-6 incident. She failed. The police got angry and wanted no one to find out...I found out and told Redd."

"Ahah," Phoenix said bemused. "Once again, confiding in your significant other turns out to destroy the relationship."

"Indeed. If you'd like to know more about Redd White, please go visit your local library for more."

"Sure thing," Phoenix gleefully said.

* * *

Unfortunately, the video-game world frowns upon libraries (unless it's magical), so Phoenix had to go to the closest thing to a library, Mia's files stacked on a bookshelf.

Reading multiple files, Phoenix began seeing a horrible pattern.

"These files are in alphabetical order!"

No idiot, the other pattern.

"There's a bunch of articles with White's name written on them. Mostly the suicide stories. Ew."

* * *

Now equipped with relevant evidence, Phoenix heads to Bluecorp once more.

"Now I've got you, Redd White. I have insight on your secret relationship and a suicide most likely connected to you. What do you have to say about that?"

Redd White smiled. He didn't have to say anything and wasnt' going to say anything either. He raised his fist and smashed it onto Phoenix's face. The result was unimaginable.

"Augh! You broken my hands! My precious hands!"

Redd White fell to the floor and rolled around in his tears.

Phoenix himself was surprised. "That was a punch? Wow, that was weak. I hardly felt a thing."

Redd continued to scream in pain. "What's this? My rings? My gold rings with diamonds? They're broken and covered in blood! You're a monster!"

"All I've done is stand here, though."

"I'm going to testify against you in court tomorrow!" Redd pulls out a communicator and yells, "Get him Gumshoe!" into it.

Detective Dick Gumshoe breaks through the window and rolls through the floor gracefully. "Okey-dokey, pal!"

"I'm not your pal."

"Waaaaah!"

* * *

Later that day at the DMV...

"Maya! I need you to both cheer me on in court AND defend me!"

"Got it! I'll practice by becoming the cheerleader at a law school."

"Also, I need you to break me out of here."

"Sorry, I don't have time for that. I'm going to law school!"

"No! Law school will suck the life out of you and deprive you of your morals! Believe me, I've been there for a few weeks before getting an online degree!"

"Ack! It's too late for me! Save yourself!"

"Okay."


	5. PW1 C2 P4of4

**Case 2 again?**

They entered the courtroom and the judge ate his gavel.

"Court is now ingested. Is the defense ready to defend himself?"

"I've been prepared for almost a year now, your honor. Why was this trial delayed for so long, anyway?"

The judge shook his head and explained to the lawyer, "Somebody in the higher-ups wanted to procrastinate for a week. It was then lengthened to a month, then another, and so on. But enough about that, is the prosecution ready?"

"We have been ready for a while, your honor. A long while."

Edgeworth looked over to the stands and saw the literal piles of bones and skulls that used to be the audience.

"The prosecution requests we immediately bring in our witness to make up for the lost time."

"Very well." The judge raised his hand and gave a thumbs-up. It was a cue, meant for some men behind the scenes.

A loud, but soft, noise like paper wads being shot out of a straw was heard by the the three men in the courtroom. It was then followed by white smoke coming into the room. Smoke was coming from the door, coming from the walls, and coming from the floor. There was even smoke coming out of Edgeworth's ears!

"I didn't authorize any of this!" he shouted.

A man appeared and he walked over to Phoenix to give him a controller with a single button on it.

"Ooooh! What does this button do?"

He pressed the button like a little girl in pink and the next effect started.

As the fog slowly permeated the room, the lights began to dim and changed color, specifically red. Also turning red was Edgeworth's face!

"Wright! Why did you press that button!? And why are you wear a pink ballerina dress?"

"I wanted to continue the joke."

"Well, I won't take this calmly!"

Edgeworth brought his hands while turning them into fists. He brought them down, intending to bang his desk to show how angry he was. Instead, he unintended smashed two large buttons.

The two buttons activated the next effect, as seen behind the witness stand. Doors slid open and a circular hole was now present. Another circular hole now present was Edgeworth's mouth when his jaw dropped.

"Who is responsible for this!? Who!?"

The judge's face perked up and he excitedly said, "Finally, it's my turn to start the effect!"

The judge cleared his throat and held in a deep breath. With his left hand, he squeezed his throat. With his right hand, he covered his mouth. The end result was a brilliant deep voice of a 30-year-old man who could host both a radio station and a wrestling match.

"Llaaaaaaaadddiiiiieeeeess-"

"He means you, Edgworth," Phoenix jokingly muttered. He had clearly forgotten what he was wearing.

"-aaaaaaaaanndd ggeeeeeeeentleeeemen! It is to my grrrrreat pleasure to introduce the hilariously fabulous," he took another deep breath, "Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedd Whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite!"

Coming from the hole in the floor, a man with purple hair in pink suit rose from the misty floor while holding his gold and diamonds encrusted hands up like he just didn't care.

"Much amounts of gratification to you all!"

He smiled and his pearly white teeth (taken from the mouth of a small child) shined a new light to the room. The beaming white light that was his teeth's shine illuminated the area and the room returned back to normal.

Edgeworth decided he had been flabbergasted enough to fill the rest of his life and a choice dawned over him; To kill himself or not. He fished out two pill containers from his jacket. One contains sugar pills and the other are suicide pills. He did not know which one was which.

"Hm, perhaps I should leave my fate in God's hands."

He took a pill out of each container, along with a bottle of water he had with him. He picked a pill and was about to place it in his mouth until he saw Phoenix on the edge of his eyes. An evil idea came to him.

"Say, Wright? Would you like to play a game of Jefferson Hope? We'll each take a pill and see which one of us dies."

"That sounds inappropriately fun. Sure!"

They each swallowed a pill and nothing happened.

"Well, this was a waste of time," Edgeworth observed.

The judge nodded. "Agreed. Will the witness begin his testimony?"

Redd White showed off his hands made of gold and diamonds to the court. It was his way of saying, "Yes."

"Hold it!" Phoenix slammed his desk. "Mr. White! Why are your hands made of gold and diamonds! I clearly remember cells making up that hand!"

Redd White broke down and his face swirled into angry eyes!

"It's because of your face! Your revolting, adamant, face of steel! Raaagh!"

He ripped his suit up and laid down his attack.

"You're also the one who killed the victim! I saw you hit her, right before the glass lamp fell."

"OBJECTION! There's no way you could have seen the glass lamp...unless you were in the office!"

"So?"

"Well, what I'm saying is that you're the murderer."

"OBJECTION!" Edgeworth wagged his finger-waggle, waggle, waggle-and said, "Obviously, the witness wiretapped the room before the day of the murder."

"That's right," fabulous guy said. "I went in the first week of the month and saw it when I had normal hands."

Phoenix wanted to object to that, but there was nothing contradicting about it.

(Damn! Damn, dam, dan, dayum, damn! I can't this guy get away! He killed Mia, the holder of my favorite chest. She may have had scorpions for hand, but her venomous stings were small compared to those melons.)

Maya saw those perverted thoughts being translated onto his goofy face.

"How can you be objectifying my sister at a moment like this!?"

"M-Maya? You're h-here?"

Phoenix had forgotten Maya existed and fainted when he saw her. He then woke up when a soft, heart-warming hand touched his drooping cheek.

"Ah! Why'd you slap me, chief? Wait, chief!"

Standing in front of him was Maya's body, but with a more mature and beautiful shape than her own. It was Mia.

"What are you doing? You can't lose this case now!"

"But Mia, the case has been delayed for too long! It's going to end now and there's nothing I can do to win."

"Idiot!" She slapped him. "Do you still have the paper with Maya's name on it."

After rubbing his cheek, he pulled out the paper. "Yes."

"That's all you need. Remember to always turn things around."

"...can I turn you around?"

Mia slapped him hard enough to send him back to the desk.

The judge said, "Can we finally end this delayed trial, Mr. Wright?"

"Yes! Take a look at the paper with my client's name on it."

Edgeworth gave his smuggest smile. "Grasping for new evidence? The prosecution has already examined that paper to the fullest extent. It says the suspect's name and nothing else."

"Really?" Phoenix held the paper up and flipped it over.

"W-what!? Detective! You never told me paper have two sides!"

Gumshoe shrugged. "It's a piece of paper, sir."

"It really is," Phoenix added. "How can you not know that?"

"My mentor made me study the pages of my textbook in the shape of Mobius strips..."

Phoenix tried to imagine a book filled with Mobius strips for pages before he violently shook his head. "Off topic! Mr. White! On the other side of the paper is a reciept. The victim saved it when she bought her glass lamp ONE day before her murder! You can't have seen the lamp at any other time beside the time of murder!"

"OBJECTION! Your honor, the prosecution requests another day to re-examine the case."

The judge thought about the request and ultimately decided, "No."

"What? Why aren't good things happening to me, today?"

"Mr. Edgeworth, I understand your reasoning, but we've stood here for months, hoping the author would resume one day. That day has come and I want to go home and stay home until we get another case."

He regurgitated his gavel and slammed it down.

"I have made my decision: The defendant, Phoenix Wright, is-"

NOT GUILTY

Confetti fell from the ceiling and covered Redd White's tears, sticking onto where his face was moist and hid his sorrows.

"I-I didn't do it," he said faintly. It was futile and he knew it, but he wanted to say it one last time.

* * *

"Mia, we did it!"

"No, Phoenix," she slapped his shoulder, "we did it."

"Er, right?"

"Well, I'll be going now. The flames of hell are growing and won't go down unless I get in them. Take care of Maya. Oh, and go to the office later, okay."

He went to the office later and saw Maya. Maya went over to him and hugged him tight enough, he felt like he was choking.

"M-cak-dda-ya!" he said, trying to say his last words.

"Oh, sorry!"

She let go and he dropped to the floor.

"I have to stop doing this. I have a bad habit of accidentally killing people, you know?"

His ears perked and he stood up. "Accidentally killing people?"

"Yes. I don't know how, but some way or another, people around me die because I did something."

"Really?" A dark possibility came to him and he asked, "Did M-mia...?"

She nodded. "You know that thing where somebody shouts 'Think fast!' and throw something at you? Well, I forget the part where I shout 'Think fast' and she died."

"What!? So you really did kill her?"

"Of course! She wrote my name remember?"

"I...I see."

Phoenix turned his back to her and thought everything that had just been said by Maya. A certain thing circled his mind throughout the case, so now was the best time to drop the bomb.

"So about my fees..."

"Oh, I want to pay you, but I don't have my purse with me. Twelve dollars is okay, right?"

(For having protected a murderer and being cause for an innocent man's accusation and arrest, I suppose twelve is all I deserve.)

He sighed and nodded. It was a simple action, but he felt so dirty for even accepting to it.

"Hey, don't feel bad. You also get the office! We can call it 'Maya & Co. Law Offices!'"

"How about no? The only way we'll call it that is if you invent the suicide booth."

Three years later, Maya invented the suicide booth.

* * *

Author's Note

Procrastination, am I right? Admittedly, this could have been more funny, but the jokes that made me laugh can only be used later. Anyway, stay tune for more.


	6. PW1 C3 P1of6

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

Case 3, I guess

* * *

"I kill you!"

"No, I kill YOU!"

"Tune in next time to see no one die!"

Maya turned off the TV and went to get a broom.

"That was the best episode ever! The action was hardcore! The story bought me to the end of my chair! The romance between the Steel Samurai and the Evil Magistrate...was surprising, but for some reason, I loved it! I think I'll write about their, probably sexual, love right after I imitate the things I saw on TV with this broom!"

She swung it around a few times, almost stabbing Phoenix in the eye.

"Hey, watch it!"

"Oh, Nick! I'm sorry, I didn't see you."

"Sorry doesn't cut it. And stop calling me Nick, no one calls me that," Nick said. "Why are you playing with the broom anyway? The only time you should be swinging a broom back and forth is when you're sweeping the kitchen."

Maya whacked Phoenix eye. "I just finished watching another episode of the Steel Samurai!"

"The Steel Samurai? Is that what kids are calling it these days?" Nick said, talking about something completely different.

"You don't know?! It's only the most popular show right now! It's really popular with young people and certain prosecutors!"

"Young people?" he repeated.

"Yeah. You're old, though, so I don't know if you'd like it...but you should!"

All Nick heard was "old" and he began tearing up. "Whatever, Maya! You can enjoy your stupid show, I don't care! Old people like me have better things to do!"

Nick ran out the office, crying all the way home.

Later that night, his obsolete cellphone from the 90s began to ring-a-ding-ding.

Phoenix wiped his tears away and answered. "Maya, if this is you, I'm still mad at you!"

"Nick, this is important! They arrested him! The Steel Samurai!"

"I don't care!" He slammed his cellphone closed and continued crying himself to sleep in his blue pajamas with elephants on them.

Phoenix came in the next morning and Maya was crying. He was still mad at her, but seeing her made him smile. It's because of the face she was making while watching the news.

"Hello, everybody! This is Convenient TV News, bringing all the relevant news to you! Yesterday, actor Will Powers was arrested for the murder of Jack Hammer. It's speculated that he killed him using a spear with samurai-like qualities. That's all for now, folks! This has been Convenient TV News, a branch of Convenient TV."

"Must be a slow news day," Phoenix snarfed. "It's a good thing you're frowning, Maya. It always makes me smile."

"This is terrible, Nick! How can you be schadenfreude-ing at a time like this! The Steel Samurai has been arrested! We have to go to the DMV!"

"Okay, but only if we go to the DMV."

They went to the DMV and saw a large hairy man.

Maya turned to Phoenix and whispered, "I don't feel safe. I think we should leave."

"Oh no, we don't! I didn't take a bus for two hours just to judge a guy based on his looks."

A random man overheard Vig. "I go judge black guys on the bus for two hours."

Phoenix wondered what "black guys" this man was talking about since black people don't exist in what is apparently Los Angelas. Wait, but since this game takes place in 2016, does this mean...?

Phoenix ignored my ramblings. "In any case, I'm going to help you, Will Powers."

"Really? You believe I didn't kill him?"

"I don't know, but I haven't been paid in months for the two case I've worked on and I need an income," Phoenix lied.

His true reason was because he truly believed Will Powers was innocent. Perhaps it was because Powers had puppy-eye dogs pleading for someone to believe him. Maybe it's because seeing such a hairy man being so misunderstand rang to his heart. Or possibly because Will Powers reminded him of a dog he used to have.

"Don't worry, boy. I'll prove to everyone that you didn't kill anyone. Yeah, I'll prove it and we'll get you out of the pound. I promise."

Phoenix hugged the glass. Will Powers shifted his eyes a bit before he asked the guard to let him leave.

Phoenix, determined to vindicate his dog, went to Global Studios to investigate the murder.

"Here we are: Global Studios. Nothing will happen here," Phoenix said, tempting fate. He walked over to the studio gate and stepped on a patch of grass.

**A wild OLDBAG appears!**

"Rah, what are you kids doing here? When I was a wee munckin, I had the patience to walk 30 miles to school, uphill, in the snow. Y'see, the kids, they listen to the rap music, which gives them the brain damage. With their hippin' and their hoppin', and their bippin' and their boppin', they don't know what the jazz is all about! For that reason, I won't let you in!"

"Pfttht!" Phoenix waved his hand. "I don't permission."

"Well, at least take the map. I've always needed maps and so have others. My friends even claimed their boyfriends needed maps. Something about getting lost in a place called 'Eyse'. I've heard they have the Earth on a map now. I got one the other day, but the continents were all stretched out. Imagine my surprise when I learned the Earth was round and therefore cannot be placed in a normal map. Phooey, I say. I asked a man about once and he just started talking about topology. I learned a lot that day however; Never ask a man about maps."

Phoenix ignored everything she said. "Map? I don't need a map. The fingers of Justice will point me in the right direction!"

Elsewhere, a little boy in an orphanage looked around.

"Hey, Billy. Did you hear something?"

"No, why?"

"I feel like I heard someone say Justice."

"So?"

"With a capital 'J'."

"Okay, stop it, no you're freaking me out!"

"Liar."

"Okay, I lied, but now I'm really freaked out, you freaky lie-detector."

Back at the ranch, Phoenix and Maya wandered aimlessly and luckily ran into Detective Gumshoe.

"ARGH! I'LL KILL YOU TWO! HOW DARE YOU TWO UPSET PROSECUTOR EDGEWORTH?!

Phoenix bursted into laughter. "Ahahahahahahaha! His sadness pleases me."

Maya didn't liked to be accused (especially for murder) and shouted, "Well, it's probably your fault Mr. Edgeworth couldn't find me guilty, the real killer!"

Gumshoe went onto his knees and cried. "You're right! It's my fault! I failed him. I was hoping that maybe it was for the best because I thought you were innocent, but you just confessed! And there's nothing I can do because of double jeopardy!"

Phoenix really wanted to tell the detective that Maya can still be charged for other crimes or that they can even have another murder trial for her in another jurisdiction. He wanted to, but because he didn't know why Mia helped him save her killer, he stayed quiet about it.

(It was the only time I could have shared my lawyer knowledge too,) he sadly thought.

Gumshoe cheered up. "Eh, what the hell am I crying for? Here, have an autopsy! Enjoy exploring the place too!"

"You're having an awful lot of mood swings, detective," Phoenix observed. "Are you having some sort of man-period?"

"It's a normal thing that happens to all boys," Gumshoe said dead-seriously.

Phoenix nervously coughed and told him, "I was joking."

Gumshoe frowned and looked at Phoenix curiously.

Phoenix didn't want to talk about it any further and left the detective.

"Look, Nick! It's an actual studio! It's so big, and massive, and large, and titanic, and gargantuan, and not small, and...locked. Hey, let's go and steel someone's passkey, Nick. Stealing makes everything better!"

"Only if we pretend that we found it laying on the ground."

They went to their client's room and took the passkey into the studio.

"Alright, let's open this baby up!"

Phoenix slowly opens the door and a girl falls out, gasping for air.

"Oh, thank you! I'm Penny! You've saved me! They forgot about me and I've been locked here for eleven days! Thank you so much!"

As the weeping girl hugged his ankles, Phoenix felt extremely uncomfortable and kicked her back into the studios.

"Wait, no! Come ba-!"

The door closed and automatically locked.

"I think we should look elsewhere Maya."

Try as they did, they never found new clues.

(I still don't need a map," Phoenix said, as if he needed to prove something to himself.

As they passed the gate for the tenth time, they noticed the wild OLDBAG was no longer there.

"How about you go and snoop the place, Nick?"

"How did you know what my hobby was?"

He went into the security box and found the computer.

"Let's see what here." Phoenix cracked his knuckles and began randomly tapping buttons like a hacker in a movie. In reality, he was just procrastinating and dicking around the internet.

"Okay, found something. Remember that photo we heard so much about when we wandered the place? Here it is."

"It says it's the second photo taken. Shouldn't there be another one here in the folder then?"

"Nah. Let's just go home. I feel like we have a good case going on for us," said Phoenix, the very wrong man.


	7. PW1 C3 P2of6

**Case 3, part 2**

The trial of Will Powers began.

The judge banged his hammer and ruffled his bandana a bit. "Court's now in session, y'all! Oh, wait a sec'." He placed an eyepatch on his left eye. "Okay, let's get started for the trial of the dearly departed! You guys ready?"

Phoenix and Edgeworth tried to nod, but the heads and eyes were frozen. Edgeworth broke the ice and reluctantly asked, "Your honor, not to be rude, but what's with this ridiculous act you're pulling?"

"I'm gonna make it big. This trial is about a sick show, you dig? Hope my rapping is good enough to get a gig. I need the money to buy a cig."

Phoenix slammed his desk. "Your honor, the defense is ready. Also, you're going to need rhythym too if you want to be a rapper. You sound like a nursery rhyme."

The judge nodded. "Yeah, we ain't gonna waste time. Every second here costs the taxpayers another dime."

Edgeworth said, "Without your permission, I call Detective Gumshoe to the stand."

Gumshoe states his name and occupation and Edgeworth quickly asked him a question before the judge had a say.

"Detective, explain to the court what happened on the day of the murder."

"Right! Basically, the suspect left the set early to go to sleep, or so he says. In actuality, he dressed up as the Steel Samurai and killed the victim at studio one by stabbing him with a spear of samurai qualities."

The judge bobbed his head, as if listening to music. "He put a spear in the brother? If it was me, I'd bust a cap up that nig-"

"OBJECTION!" Edgeworth shouted in the Nick of time. "Your honor, you have no right to say that word! You might offend the non-existant black community here in what is apparently California."

"I hear ya," the judge rhymed. "Call your first witness. Hopefully, someone with some breasts."

"Your honor, you're married. Please, have some decency," said Edgeworth. He was a hypocrite for telling others to have decency. You'd never know it because you can only see the top half of his body, but Edgeworth never wore pants in the courtroom. He also sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers.

A wild OLDBAG appeared!

"Your name and occupation, please."

The animal looked deeply into Edgeworth's eyes. Her nose twitched and she began purring. It seems she was ready to breed.

"Gah! Under no circumstances will I reproduce with this prude tortoise!"

OLDBAG never took refusals so she pulled out the number one pickup lines for ladies like her. "Looks like I've made a mess somewhere. Care to remove my diaper?"

Edgeworth promptly left to hire a neurosurgeon and vehemently asked to be lobotomized.

"Er, let's just start the testimony," Phoenix suggested.

**Testimony**

Statement 1: Well, it all started when I was born.

Statement 2: When I was born, my mother said I cried for thirty days and thirty nightts.

Statement 3: She tried to kill me, but I taught that whippersnapper who is the boss here.

…

…

Statement 29: I escaped from him and was able to live my dream of becoming a frustrated fisherman.

…

…

Statement 90: There were no survivors that day.

Statement 91: That leads up to the murder.

Statement 92: We've got a camera that takes a picture every time someone passes by it and only Will Powers was on it.

The judge woke up. "This hoe finally done? Talking a lot is dumb. I'm a go take a dump."

The judge left and Phoenix and Edgeworth took this as a chance to end the trial before the judge came back to bust out some more rhymes.

Phoenix pointed his finger at OLDBAG. "Without the life story, give your testimony! I'm going to cross-examine you before '50 Years' comes back."

**Cross-examination**

Statement 91: That leads up to the day of the murder.

"Hold it-Why did you even have to tell us your life story?"

"I wanted my Edgey-poo to know everything there was to know about me."

Edgeworth coughed on his own saliva. "The only thing I need to know about you is no!"

Statement 92: We've got a camera that takes a picture every time someone passes by it and only Will Powers was on it.

"OBJECTION!" objected the objector called Phoenix, who some consider an object. "Look at this picture, oldbag! Does this look like Will Powers? No! It's a guy in a costume and that's all we know."

"Hi, ya'll, I'm back!" The judged plopped down on his seat and smiled to show his surgically placed gold tooth.

Edgeworth grimaced and gloomily said, "Welcome back, your honor. Witness, please continue with further testimony and make it quick."

"Anything for you, hurr hurr."

**Testimony**

Statement 1: No one else passed by so only Powers could have done it.

"Cross-examination, now," Edgeworth sternly demanded.

**Cross-examination, now**

Statement 1: No one else passed by so only Powers could have done it.

"OBJECTION! Do you see this photo? It's only the second, as the caption says, so where's the first photo because this photo is photo two!"

The judge stopped the cross-examination to ascertain what he had just heard. "Yo, Nick! Did I just hear ya say 'this poor hoe is for toes too'?"

Phoenix waited for the judge to laugh and say it was a joke.

"..."

The judge was dead serious.

"...your honor, I am going to ignore you for the rest of the day. Witness! This photo clearly says 'Photo #2'. Where is Photo #1?"

"Gasp!" Her wrinkles popped off and crawled away. "Well, I don't know! I certainly don't have it me, you whippersnapper. I erased it. It was just a picture of a fanboy who sneaked into the studios. That's all."

Suddenly the bell rang.

"RECESS!" everyone yelled.

Phoenix hopped over his desk and ran to the door. "Oh boy! I can't wait to get on the monkey bars!"

He got out of the courtroom and entered the lobby.

"What? This isn't the playground. I guess I can still play wallball."

"Nick! What are we going to do?"

He jumped from the sudden sound of Maya's voice. "Maya! What's with you?! Why do you rarely talk in the courthouse."

She whispered into his ear, "Rosebud."

Phoenix took his ear away from her and looked at her.

"..."

She was also dead serious.

"Er, in any case, the only thing we can do, it seems, is to accuse that old man as the murderer. It's not like we can accuse a kid for murder...yet."

Recess was over and Phoenix returned to his desk. He then knocked it over.

"The defense loudly claims that this oldbag is the murderer! The photo could have been erased to hide themselves!"

"What?!" she shouted. "Edgey-poo, defend me!"

"Never look me in the eye. In addition, I have nothing to disprove his claim."

"Balls!"

The judge slammed his hammer again. "What the hell, witness? You come into my territory and disrespect me like this? Yo! Arrest this hoe!"

"No! I wasn't suppose to tell this, but there were other people at the studio that day. A bunch of bigwigs like the producer and director."

Edgeworth closed his eyes and looked at the blue information in his blue brain.

(A scene was being filmed the day of the murder. There were bigwigs at the day of the murder too.)

It suddenly all made sense and a flash of white happened before his closed eyes.

"Of course. There had to have been a director, and possibly the producer, at the filming of the scene!"

Everyone stared at Edgeworth. Phoenix especially stared hard at him to see if he was joking. Edgeworth was dead serious.

"I'm going to ignore you, prosecutor Edgeworth. The defense's claim stands."

"Man, things are getting confusing," the judge said. "I'm a gonna let this trial go on for another day. Are we all cool? Yeah? Court dismissed."

Everyone left the courtroom, save for Phoenix, who ignored the judge.


	8. PW1 C3 P3of6

Case 3, part 3

* * *

After the trial ended with Phoenix accusing the OLDBAG, he and Maya went to the Wright and Co. Offices.

Maya plopped down on the couch. "Ugh, well that was an awful first day. The only thing we did was tell everyone that Powers might not be the guy in the costume. Bwah! I need a drink!"

"Maya, you're underage. Also, we don't have alcohol here," Phoenix said, completely unaware of his mentor's hollow books with beer cans inside of them. "Besides, we can always look for someone else to blame for the murder. I'm pretty sure that wild OLDBAG doesn't even fit inside the costume, so let's go find that fanboy that was briefly mentioned in the last episode. Maybe we can whack him with a ruler!"

And so, newly equipped with a ruler he bought at the dollar store, Phoenix went back to the studio in search of a child to smack around and pin a murder on.

Phoenix, still openly refusing to use a map, wandered around for hours until Maya pointed him towards the dressing room area. They went in there and found Penny, outside of her cell.

"Why did you lock me back into the studio!? I had to go down and dig my way out through _concrete_!"

Phoenix coughed and while avoiding eye contact, he said, "Er, I'm sorry. Who are you?"

"You know exactly who I am!"

Maya went over to the wall where Penny was at. "What's with this vent? You covered it with wood and duct tape."

"To keep out the fanboys, or as we call them here at the studios, the rats. Well, goodbye. I'm going to cry myself in front of the computer, wishing some super hunky rock star will find and marry me."

She left, leaving him and Maya alone with a closed vent.

"You think we should tear this vent open, Nick?"

"You think so? Would it be possible? She did use duct tape after all. Well, I guess I can try. My motto in life is 'Destroy anything a woman makes,' after all."

Suddenly, Phoenix's goal of making a child cry made so much more sense.

"Okay, here it goes. Huuuraah! There! Did it! Looks like I beat duct tape! Now what?"

Maya shrugged and left the room.

"Oh, screw you, Maya!"

He went after her. They ended up being in another room, which was Power's dressing room. There , they found the second most revolting thing you can find on this planet: An annoying otaku.

"Gah! What is that smell? Is that you?" Phoenix pointed at Maya.

"Now how is that smell supposed to come from me? And why did you point at me first!?"

Phoenix chuckled and put away his finger. He looked at the greasy nerd in the corner. "You."

The slimy otaku frowned and began defending himself. "I don't take showers, that's why!"

"That's a defense?" Phoenix fell back and plopped down onto a chair.

"But it's only because I don't have time! You see, I am the great Sal Manella! 20 hours of my day are dedicated to sleeping, eating, and working. That only gives me 4 hours. 4 hours! I need those 4 hours to watch all the anime I can in that short amount of time!"

Maya's jaw dropped and she screamed. "Ah! You're the director? You're THE Sal Manella?"

"Yeah!" He leaned closer to her, trying to get his head as close to her chest as possible. "And you're hotz! I see you're a fan of cosplay! If I dress up as Sasuke, would you be willing to dress up like my lovely Sakura?"

Maya stepped away and began crying.

Since Sal had gotten closer, the smell did too. Phoenix loosened his tie and dress shirt and covered his nose to prevent himself from smelling the foul odor of Pocky sticks and ramen noodle mixed with sweat. "A perverted anime freak who doesn't shower, huh? How is it that you're only the _second _most revolting thing in the world?"

Sal Manella chortled. "Cuz I actually have a life! Duh!"

He understood now. "I guess it's true. You're only the director of a kid's show, but I guess that does technically mean you're contributing to society."

"Nick, help! He keeps jumping on me, saying that he's 'glomping' me!"

"It's okay, sweet Sakura! You're giving me ideas. Ideas for a sweet new show I'll call the Pink Princess!"

"This is beyond glomping!"

Phoenix rolled his eyes and said, "Hey, Sal. I hear there's a Japanese person in the studio right now. Maybe you should go and harass them with your advance knowledge of the Japanese language and their honorifics?"

"You're right! I should go!" said Sal, before he left to the place we call 'outside'.

Having nothing better to do, the stubborn lawyer and scarred girl got outside too and wandered around the place some more. This is when they discovered a new area.

"Woah! There's a studio 2? It's right next to the other studio, how did we never find this place? Hey, maybe we can find some new clues?"

Phoenix and Maya looked around and found nothing of importance.

"Nothing. Hey, Maya, get inside of that building, maybe there's something super important there."

Maya shakes the doorknob. "It's locked. I guess there really is something super important here."

Phoenix sighed and pointed to the woods. "Let the wandering continue."

Luckily, the wandering didn't last long and they ended back at the entrance where they confronted a wild OLDBAG.

"Warrghgdedkgjopaijdg! I finally found you! And now that I've found you, I'm going to kill you for saying I killed someone!"

"How is this lucky at all!?"

The OLDBAG took a step and ran out of breath. "Eh, forget it."

Phoenix nodded. "Forgotten. BACK TO THE ADVENTURE!"

They went back into the woods and found another building: The dressing room area.

"This is where we essentially started!" yelled Phoenix.

"Wait, Nick, look! An event triggered and there's a kid now!"

"Kid?" Phoenix wiped away his tears and saw it was true. "Oh, goody! I get to whack a boy now!"

He pulled out the ruler and ran to the boy, whose back was exposed. Phoenix this opportunity very seriously and ran faster. He was at the perfect range now and he did it. He went and swung full force at the kid. And then he stopped.

"Huh? Wh-what happened? The ruler...it's in half."

He took away the cut ruler from him to see a katana being pointed right at him by a boy in green.

"Too slow, sucka!"

The boy's image faded away and he was gone. At the same time, Phoenix found a key.

"Is the key to that door? Shouldn't this be found somewhere else?"

"Who cares? At this rate, this part is going to get unreasonably long. Take the opportunity!"

Phoenix took the opportunity as Maya suggested and they were magically transported to studio 2. He went to the door and unlocked it. The door clicked and he entered.

"The super important thing here is...a woman? I suppose life is important. Better talk to here."

Phoenix and Maya tried to talking to here, but was met with silence with each question he asked.

"Hi, I'm Phoenix!"

"..."

"Hi, I'm Maya!"

"..."

"Hi, I'm Daisy!"

"Hi, I'm Daisy!"

"Hi, I'm Daisy!"

"Hi, I'm Daisy!"

"..."

Phoenix took away his three-eyed monster. "Guess there's nothing we can do."

"The script," she muttered. "I need the script."

"No, Nick, we have to get the extremely pointless plot coupon to get her to talk."

He groaned and exited the building.

Three hours of searching and ended up in studio 1.

"I am really hating this case," Phoenix sat down on the director's seat after he gave Maya the script they found there. "Just a bunch of nonsense walking."

Maya nodded and made an obligatory comment about burgers. That's when she saw it. That's when she saw the thing people use to get to high places. "Nick...look."

He looked at what she was pointing at and he groaned again.

"I guess it's time, huh? We've got to do _that gag_. Fine. Maya, start."

"Look, it's a ladder."

"I agree. Now let's get the hell out of here."

After he heroically left the gag alone, Phoenix gave the script to the woman in studio 2.

"...yes. This is the script. I am Dee Vasquez, the producer of the Steel Samurai. What would you like to talk about?"

Maya pulled a table over to Phoenix and he pounded his fists onto them. "Nothing! Nothing at all!"

She literally kicked them out and went back inside.

"Well, this was a waste of time. My legs are tired to. Let's go back to the office, Maya. Let's just hope time passes normally and night comes so I can go to sleep."

They spent five hours in the office and the clock never moved its hands.

"Argh! What do we have to do now! Maya! Do you have any ideas? Maya?"

The female revealed her face. "I'm not Maya! Gahahahahaha!"

"Mia? What are you doing here?"

"No time to explain. I only have a few things to tell you though. My plant, Charley, hasn't been watered. Why not?"

"Eh? The plant? Why should I?"

Mia splashed some water on his cheek and slapped him. The water was to give that extra sting!

"Never question me again. I need him alive in case I ever need to go back...anyway, I also have just what you need to communicate to certain people who don't want to talk to you."

"Something you have that makes certain people talk to you...I think I know what you're going at." Phoenix wouldn't dare say what she had because he didn't want to be slapped.

And so they returned. Mia took a map, Phoenix didn't protest, and they found the kid again in the dressing room area.

"You guys again? Do I have to cut another ruler here? Huh?" The boy noticed Mia and the thing she had that Phoenix did not. He smiled and started becoming nervous. "Hi, nice lady. I really like your nice and big personality."

"Thank you! I'm sorry this man here doesn't have it. What's your name, cutie?"

"Cody Hackins! Here! Have some gifts! I got you my book of pictures with the Steel Samurai winning, a super rare card, and this Lego block!"

Phoenix swiped the card, making Cody accidentally drop the Lego block.

"I'll be taking this."

"Thank you little boy! We'll be going now, but we'll be back real soon. You! Get over here!"

Mia clenched onto Phoenix's ear and took him to another part of the map.

"The girl over there...make a deal with her with the cards."

Phoenix looked across the room and saw Penny.

"Her? Why her?"

"She's a nerd. Can't you tell by the tiny glasses, the freckles, and the petite body?"

"I guess, but do I really need to trade? We're going by this part so fast, we didn't even establish that we need a rare card to make Cody speak to us...but I just did that, didn't I? Well, I'm still not going to trade."

"Then what are you going to do?"

"Just watch."

Phoenix ran and pushed Penny off the stairs. A pile cards fell out of her pocket and Phoenix took the shiniest card with him and left the card he had with her.

"Why do you hate me so much? If you wanted to trade, you could have just said so!"

Phoenix called her a loser before Mia slapped him and dragged him by the ear back to Cody.

"Here you go, Cody! A super special awesome chocolatey fudge coated rare super card. Tell us everything you know."

She gave him a warm smile and his heart melted.

"Okay. I was here the day of the murder and-"

Suddenly, Gumshoe jumped through the window and grabbed hold of Cody.

"This will be a valuable witness to Mr. Edgeworth! Thanks, pal!"

He took out a grappling hook, threw it to the sky, and he was pulled up into the sky like an angel.

Mia was not pleased.

"Screw this, I'm outta here!"

Mia left, leaving Phoenix alone.

"Duh?"


End file.
